Hermes Polyponou, a self-professed "Alimentary Activist," kicked off Aquinas's celebration of Healthy Alimentary Canal Week with a bold presentation (replete with pictures) on the important health benefits of colonoscopies. "I bring you a message," Poly-ponou said, "that will make all the difference to your colonic world. It is essential to have regular check-ups with a gastro-entorologist once you reach the age of 50 so that you might secure the benefits of colonic health and a long life." Poly-ponou, a wizened gentle-man, was casually dressed and wore a bulging backpack throughout his presentation. He was eager to tell his story.
"When I reached 50," he said, "I realized that I was no longer young. So I went to my physician who gave me some life transforming advice. 'You are 50 and you are going to die. Take out a healthy life insurance policy for your family.' Is there no hope, I asked, depressed by this alarming news. 'No.' That doctor was mercilessly honest with me. I was near despair, but at that moment, a desire to live entered me so strongly that I refused to give up the ghost without a fight and it dawned on me that the way to life was through promoting colonic health. That life changing experience has made me into the man I am today. I may not look much on the outside, but youth and vitality are within!" Then he pointed to the pictures of his colon to prove his point. "That is, I am told, the colon of a 5 year old! Isn't it the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?"
What is Polyponou's secret? "There are 3 important principles to follow. First, know your alimentary. Knowledge is power and understanding the processes of digestion and peristalsis are key to acquiring a healthy colon.
Secondly, respect your alimentary's boundaries. It is elementary. Know the foods that you can easily digest, eat them in appropriate quantities, and avoid things that your body cannot digest well; like Twinkies.
Thirdly, think green before eating. Eating too much leads to the production of greater quantities of solid waste that increase pollution and damage the environment. In addition, eating too much roughage and carbohydrates increases greenhouse gas emissions which have been proven to contribute to anthro-pogenic global warming. We do not want to be responsible for melting the polar ice cap when such folly can be averted by a simple change in diet. Less roughage and carbs mean less flatulence. We can avoid embarrassing our-selves in those important social situations where propriety is the key to success; like job inter-views."
Polyponou unslung his backpack and produced what appeared to be a 5 lb coffee can. "Finally, to aid your travels on the road to colonic health, I propose this wonder powder called 'ColonEaze®.' I carry it with me always and drink an 8 oz glass of this mixture after every meal, between meals, and as a snack before bedtime. 'It keeps you running' as the Doobie Brothers once sang," he chuckled, "but look at the beautiful result." Here, Polyponou pointed once again to the image on the screen.
Reactions to Poly-ponou's presentation were mixed. The over 50 crowd murmured with approval while sharing knowing glances and smiles with their neighbors. Students, forced to attend by teachers seeking to conscientize them into important personal and social concerns, attended to the speaker with little enthusiasm. One Co-ed, sporting a Che Guevera T-Shirt daintily accented by a stylish pro-choice button, was outraged. "Polyponou is from the 60s generation which offered us so much promise for turning our world into a better place. I mean what about revolution? What about reproductive freedom and what about women's rights? Why wasn't there a feminist perspective on colons? I'm offended! This is so bogus!"
Protestors were also present during the talk. Members of the Polyps Rights Protection Society (PRPS) lined the walls of Wege ballroom and gave silent protest to injustice against polyps. One PRPS, a large and intimidating fellow who carried a sign that read, I POLYPS, obstructed pedestrian traf-fic in and out of Wege while yelling, "Keep your ColonEaze® off my polyps, please!" Despite his intimidating presence, Campus Safety officers surrounded him and led him away without in-cident.
Campus Safety Officer Fife was pleased as well. "We took decisive action and removed the protester from the area of concern as easily as a hot knife through butter. All of our training paid off today."
The protest by PRPS raised some concern in the Student Affairs Division about intolerance due to nascent polypophobia. "We are an inclusive institution that values tolerance," an anonymous source intoned without blinking. "We value div-ersity and cannot exclude anyone. We will not tolerate intolerance on this campus."
Meanwhile, Career and Counseling Services has established a hotline for students, staff, and faculty to report any incidents of polypophobia. Anyone who has experienced exclusion or intolerance due to their support of polyp rights is encouraged to contact C&C immediately.
When Polyponou heard of the protests and the response by college officials, he shook his head in dismay. "Polyps undermine the mission of the colon. Don't these people see this?"
