If you’re a freshman with less than a five on your AP English test, you’ll have to do a short essay about something you believe. As a public service, The Catacombs offers you advice based on the structure of the essays in the book. You are four steps away from crushing that writing assignment.
Step 1. Think of a truism. We will use as our example, “you win some, you lose some.”
Step 2. Put a little twist on the truism, like a consequence or condition that may apply. We will go with the obvious fact that, usually, when someone wins, somebody else loses. Our example essay will use “We all win and lose. And when I win, somebody loses,” as its theme.
Step 3.Now you have to recall or fabricate a poignant story to illustrate the theme. “I was walking across a playground last week and I found a $50 bill. Of course, I pocketed it. Then I looked around: finding the money means someone else had lost the money. I watched for anyone pacing the field, head down, obviously looking for something.”
Note how your good fortune has turned into an opportunity to show off your sensitivity. You’re learning not to be a greedy, inconsiderate slob who only cares about where the next party will be.
Step 4. The Clincher. To score the A, you’ll have to do more than demonstrate some thoughtfulness. Depending on the professor, you might have to show that you’ve absorbed the NPR values prescribed in GE 101: Indoctrination and Expression. Try this for the conclusion: “My emerging egalitarian awareness would not allow me to fritter away this windfall on myself. So I took a socialist acquaintance to lunch at a locally-owned vegetarian restaurant where our conversation built on my desire to share. When I win, I want somebody else to win.”
Depending on the professor, this conclusion might go too far. You’ll have to evaluate your own situation. Remember, you’re aiming for a big sigh of recognition with that last line. You want your professor to think that you are on the “heightened awareness team” without going so far that you sound too good to be true. On the other hand, if you are taking one of our two Republican profs, for instance, you might want to indicate that you chose to open a Roth IRA with half the money while investing the other half in Big Oil or Big Tobacco. Please note that these four steps comply with the Academic Integrity Policy and that compliance does not imply belief. Good luck!
(We invite you to send your This I Believe essay that you want to write but are afraid to turn in lest your expression will reveal your lack of indoctrination to The Catabombs blog > aquinascatacombs@gmail.com < so we can all enjoy your creativity.)
